Funny Stuff

Real Life Lara Croft?

The planets aligned today, creating a scenario that saw me engaged in an activity known as Geocaching. For those of you unfamiliar with this particular activity, it involves downloading of an app to something like a mobile phone or tablet, deciding which Geocache spot to go to and then go.

So my good lady wife got herself a new mobile last week and apart from filling it with music and playing the Simpsons Tapped Out she decided it might be nice to have a go at Geocaching.

The youngest daughter thought this was an awesome idea and before long we found ourselves in a patch of woodland near to where we live.

Dear daughter was thoroughly enthused to be out looking for hidden things…

…Like Tomb Raider.

She then decided she might like to do the same job as Lara Croft as her job is cool…

apart from the tigers.

Sad to say once we’d explained that most archaeologists don’t actually fight tigers and international baddies, her attention waned. Unfortunately we were deep into Gruffalo territory by then and The Wife managed to get the app to work.

Initially we were directed here…


But as you can see (in spit of the blurry image) this is more like the kind of place you’d find a corpse than a geocache so we moved on.

DD spotted this suspicious object and insisted it was exactly the thing we were after.

Digital Camera

But it turned out to just be a piece of trash with nothing in side apart from a couple of ants.

With much head scratching and cries of ‘It’s over here, it has to be! we turned round and managed to connect the app. Trudging  up a dirt track we were abruptly alerted to the fact we were really close.

I dived into the woods immediately only to find a few discarded chunks of wood and…

Digital Camera

Our first geocache! Under this fake rock was a plastic bag with a little dog and the log list in it.

Egged on by this overwhelming success we picked the next one and set off on a yomp to find the new cache.

Which we did after about five minutes of searching. This one was a bit bigger and had an array of goodies inside. Signed and re-buried, we took off for the next spot.

After about half an hour of trudging and a mad dog encounter (Elvis! Eeeelllvissss!) we came to a rough picnic spot next to a polluted pond which was once part of the Whitstable-Canterbury railway, using the water to help power a steam ‘winding engine’ as the locomotive ‘Invicta’ wasn’t powerful enough.

After a good ten minutes searching, the app led us to this fence post and assured us we were on top of the thing.

Digital Camera

Unfortunately, in spite of searching at the base of the post, a nearby tree, rotting stump and discarded nappy we couldn’t find the cache.

After three hours of trudging along rough paths we were all just about ready to go home. Plus The Wife’s batteries were running low. (Long story)

So it was, with aching feet, legs, shoulders and bum! We made our way back to the car. Still, two out of three ain’t bad and it was our first time but there have been a few side effects.

Many of you might know I’m not the most svelte of gents and I’ve found I can barely walk today. My hip joints feel as it they need a good dose of WD-40 and my shoulders ache. How walking hurt one’s shoulders I can’t quite fathom but there we are.

Also DD got bitten by gnats in about seven different places and I ended up with a long scratch from a wayward Hawthorne.

All in all geocaching was a partial success and if we go again I think we’ll go somewhere a little more urban and paved.

Funny Stuff

Things Annoy Me More Than They Should


Today’s world can be a confusing place for many people, especially the aged and infirm such as myself. A quick flick through the myriad pages of Urban Dictionary just goes to show there are about three and a half billion new and confusing words people are using that I have no idea about.

Bae is well hench

Which according to some means strong shit.

So with my being in a bad mood, I’ve decided to take a few of these oft-used words and sayings then rip them apart to make myself feel better.

Number Five

‘Bants’ Possibly the most offensive word used in the most ridiculous way at the moment. Back in t’day playful banter could be defined as a witty conversation between a pair of friends who might poke a little fun at each other.

‘Ah, Bertie, you are such a dapper chap.’

“Why thank you very much, Tarquin, you appear to be a chapper dap yourself.’

Bants today seems to be more like an excuse to utter the most vile, outrageous and downright evil things to another human being. As long as at some point there is an interjection of ‘It’s just bants’ then. seemingly, anything goes.

I hope you get skin cancer and your face rots off – just bants, it was only bants.


Number Four

‘Just reverse back a bit.’ Well what other direction would I or anyone else reverse? Sideways? Diagonally? Through a rift in space-time?

This is often shouted at low frequencies and high decibels around garages (auto shops for US readers) where ape-like mechanics bellow at each other while emptying the bank accounts of unsuspecting car owners.

John! Reverse back mate!

Back up? Fine. Reverse back? NO!


Number Three

‘Round Circle.’ Often uttered by the limited in intelligence, round circle is in a similar vein to reverse back. What other manner of circle would there be? A rectangular one? An egg-shaped circle? A circle shaped like a dodecahedron? No, sorry but by it’s very definition a circle is round and there is no need to say round circle.

Change it to another shape and it becomes clear how abjectly stupid it is.

Just draw a boxy square.

Number Two

‘It’s a no-brainer.’ Well that is lucky as you appear to be severely lacking in that particular department.

Often heard uttered by an orange-skinned, vapid bimbo, this particular saying is almost at the top of my list of stuff that annoys me more than it should. The addition of a simpering voice and ridiculous sounding accent simply makes this phrase worse. I find myself with jaw clenched and fists balled whenever I hear some idiot say this.


Number One

Okay, top of my list (and it is just my list) The out and out, most annoying, stupid, obvious thing people say. And it gets said a lot now.

It is what it is.


What else would it be? If it wasn’t what it was it would be something ELSE!

Seriously! Stop. Just stop saying it. It’s not clever and it just highlights the fact you have nothing better to say than to state the obvious. Might as well go round saying, ‘The sun’s yellow’ or ‘The world’s round.’ ‘I have feet.’ Give up and go home.

It is what it is? Jesus!

So there we are, bant rant over. You can carry on with your happy lives now and if this post has upset you in some way, feel free to go die in a hole. Just bants.