What is it about man-flu that turns me a pathetic, groveling saddo?
When I were a lad, we had it hard. There weren’t no central heating back in my day and you had to scrape ice off’t window – off t’inside o’ window.
All true. But if I did get a cold in those early years, I carried on as if I was a complete hero. This recent virus/bacteria has absolutely floored me. Literally. I’ve done nothing but lay on the floor and cough for the last four days. I can barely sleep properly even though its all I want to do, I haven’t even wanted to eat (and for a fat man that’s just odd).
With every breath I take in or out there is a death-rattle, somewhere deep and vital in my lungs and as soon as i feel it my chest contracts in a violent, wracking cough. As if something’s trying to push from inside my skull to outside my skull, a vicious, splitting pain slams from the base of my skull and stabs through my head.
My ribs ache, my back aches, even my excellently hidden stomach muscles ache. My shoulders and neck feel as if they have been nailed to something and I moan like a tortured soul in the pits of hell as it gradually subsides, the pain abating as I wheeze on the floor.
Everything returns to normal – for about half a minute. There is just no let up from this constant cycle of coughing and I’ll admit to you now, I was sick of it after the first day.
Just why? Why has the reaction my body goes through come to this extreme of abject misery? Am I being punished for sins in s former life? In this one? What have I done wrong?
While we’re on the subject, what’s with this ridiculous attitude towards people and colds. What on earth is the proper response to the statement, ‘You’ve given me your cold.’?
It’s madness!! As if I have control over the germs which have already invaded my body! Even if I had, there’d be more likely targets I’d send them after than you!
Have no fear though, I’ve come up with the perfect response to that moronic statement, so the next time some pleb tells you you’ve given them your cold, just turn round and tell them,
‘No! You stole it and I want it back!’